I have trouble writing about her. For me Cris is more of a feeling. How she made me feel. How she saved my life. How because of her I wasn't in home room for my entire junior year of high school, because I was in hers. We went to each others classes. We spent hours just looking at nature. We spent a whole lifetime in one summer just talking. We knew how to make each other laugh. Just laugh. And we would walk. My God we would walk for miles. She was the person I turned to when I was stressed. She would cry only for me. We would cry together. But mostly we would laugh. I named her my Cris P Chewy and I was her Burnt Melba Toast. And it was hilarious. Movies, mall trips, flea market sales. I moved away. We were still as close as ever. Over the causeway of Lake Pontchartrain. "It's a bridge Cris." Funniest line in the history of time. We spent time in parks. We spent time on the phone. We wrote long letter length notes to each other to pass in the hallway. Time with her is all melted together into one lifetime. Memories mixed with hopes and fears and terrible things. She was the love of my life. My best friend beyond all others. We did things that were horrible experiences. They happened to us, not one or the other. There was a little fear and a lot of love. Overall there was hope and love. We were "ok" because we had each other. We had a lot of "firsts" together. Many things that are none of your business. Things where we leaned on each other. Times when we rode so far on our bikes I was afraid we'd never make it back home. She gave me a place to go when I was lost. That horrific summer in Queens that no one in my life talks about. She was there for me. So strong so beautiful. We knew each other's fears. We knew what we wanted. We found life just a funny trip on an adventure to nowhere. I lost her for a time. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. I couldn't hold her. She slipped and fell into the darkness and when I reached down I could see her but not reach her. I cried. I let go. She came back for a short time. We touched our hands together once and then she was gone forever. My one true love. My best friend. My sister. My me. The wrenching pain hasn't gone away. It hasn't gotten better with time. All those things they say are lies. You don't heal with time. Perhaps you don't focus on it as much, but when you do the pain is still as real as the day she left. The tears still flow and the desolation I feel is still as fresh. I wasn't ready. It wasn't time. It isn't fair. She's left a hole in my life. There is that part of me that is missing. The girl who was afraid to be a girl and me. I know what happened. I know what she went through. Things she never told anyone. I don't know if she ever did. I am still here for you... but you are gone. Time does not heal all wounds. Time does not make it go away as if it never happened. So I remember The Breakfast Club, and I remember Bluepee. And I remember the subatomic wheelchair and I laugh and I feel you laugh with me. I know this doesn't make any sense. Perhaps it sounds like insanity. That's ok. If you knew Cris P Chewy you knew me. Typing this without thinking. Sentence structure be damned. It isn't supposed to be grammatically correct. There are spelling errors. There are sentences that don't make sense. Just know I loved her. She touched you all and every one of you is special. She'd want you to know that. Life slips away when you aren't looking. She'd not want you to waste it. Do what you love, be with those you love. Most importantly, make each other laugh.